Wedding MC (Emcee) Jokes

Way back at the beginning of October, my good friends Dave and Meghan got married. I wrote a short post congratulating them and mentioning that I had the privilege of co-emceeing the event. I also mentioned that I would write a follow-up post about the experience, and this is that post.

Not being someone who necessarily likes getting up and talking in front of a large crowd of people, I felt it was important for me to have some structure to be able to lean on. As such, Dave and Meghan provided Robbie and I with an itinerary for how the night should go. This was definitely a good start. From there, it was time to hit the internet and see what we could find. As you can imagine, there was lots of info out there, but it was in bits and pieces and a lot of it was simply advertising for books on “how to be a good wedding MC” and things along those lines. Rob and I had a good laugh when one book kept coming up over and over again, it was a book written by two Canadian guys. Rob and I mused about how we were also two Canadian guys – perhaps we should write a book. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

Anyways, that’s the pre-amble. I think the toughest part was finding jokes to use, so I’m going to list out the ones that we were able to find and use to pretty good effect.

We started with some advice for Dave:

• Never let her go to bed angry – you’re defenseless when you sleep.
• If she says, “Do whatever you want to” – You’d better figure out what it is she wants you to do.
• When you say “I do” she owns you from the nose down. What you think, and look at, is your own business.
• What you think, and look at, can still get you in trouble – if she catches you thinking it, or looking at it.
• “Do it when you get a minute” – Means “It should have been done already, and without me telling you.”
• If you go shopping with her, she will inevitably leave you alone in the bra and panty section – Don’t Browse.

Then some advice for Meghan:

• “Would you be mad if I decided to…….” – means he already did it, and doesn’t know how to hide it.
• If you ask his opinion, and he says “I don’t care”, or “I don’t know” – he really doesn’t care, or know.
• Men don’t have to know the rules of a sporting event to enjoy watching it.
• Men really believe that: mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, and reading the paper, is doing their fair share.
• Men don’t spend money on expensive toys just to make you mad – it’s genetic, they can’t help it.
• Criteria for stopping while channel surfing: 1) women in bikinis, 2) a karate fight scene, 3) a beer commercial.

And then some advice for both of them:

• Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverence, and a lot of other things you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.
• Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
• You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.
• Love is like wetting your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth

That last one, about wetting your pants, was probably the crowd favourite.

We also handed out some advice and words of warning to those who would be speaking:

• Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for black gold. If you don’t strike oil in 5 minutes, stop boring.
• The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you’re born until the moment you stand up to make a speech.

There were also a few that we didn’t dare use, but one in particular sticks out in my mind and I want to include here, just for laughs:

I think all went well this morning in getting Dave ready for his big day. The condemned man ate a solid, hearty breakfast and arrived at the church sober and on time. My one disappointment would have to be failing to arrange his last request as a single man – due to strong protests from the do-gooders at the Sheep Welfare Council.

Along with that gem above, we threw out a lot of other material we found because we just didn’t think it was that funny. There was one other funny quote that we didn’t get to use, and that was because Dave hadn’t selected a best man – he just had two groomsmen. The unused quote was the following: “You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.”

I’m sure if you’re looking, you’ll find lots more material than what I’ve listed above. This should be a good start anyways. If you want to add suggestions in the comments below, I’m sure it’ll be appreciated by anyone who happens to stumble across this post in their search for jokes / material for their speech.

Update: I should have mentioned this post that I found during my ‘research’.