Wedding MC (Emcee) Jokes

Way back at the beginning of October, my good friends Dave and Meghan got married. I wrote a short post congratulating them and mentioning that I had the privilege of co-emceeing the event. I also mentioned that I would write a follow-up post about the experience, and this is that post.

Not being someone who necessarily likes getting up and talking in front of a large crowd of people, I felt it was important for me to have some structure to be able to lean on. As such, Dave and Meghan provided Robbie and I with an itinerary for how the night should go. This was definitely a good start. From there, it was time to hit the internet and see what we could find. As you can imagine, there was lots of info out there, but it was in bits and pieces and a lot of it was simply advertising for books on “how to be a good wedding MC” and things along those lines. Rob and I had a good laugh when one book (The Wedding MC Jokebook) kept coming up over and over again, it was a book written by two Canadian guys. Rob and I mused about how we were also two Canadian guys – perhaps we should write a book. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

Anyways, that’s the pre-amble. I think the toughest part was finding jokes to use, so I’m going to list out the ones that we were able to find and use to pretty good effect.

We started with some advice for Dave:

  • Never let her go to bed angry – you’re defenseless when you sleep.
  • If she says, “Do whatever you want to” – You’d better figure out what it is she wants you to do.
  • When you say “I do” she owns you from the nose down. What you think, and look at, is your own business.
  • What you think, and look at, can still get you in trouble – if she catches you thinking it, or looking at it.
  • “Do it when you get a minute” – Means “It should have been done already, and without me telling you.”
  • If you go shopping with her, she will inevitably leave you alone in the bra and panty section – Don’t Browse.

Then some advice for Meghan:

  • “Would you be mad if I decided to…….” – means he already did it, and doesn’t know how to hide it.
  • If you ask his opinion, and he says “I don’t care”, or “I don’t know” – he really doesn’t care, or know.
  • Men don’t have to know the rules of a sporting event to enjoy watching it.
  • Men really believe that: mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, and reading the paper, is doing their fair share.
  • Men don’t spend money on expensive toys just to make you mad – it’s genetic, they can’t help it.
  • Criteria for stopping while channel surfing: 1) women in bikinis, 2) a karate fight scene, 3) a beer commercial.

And then some advice for both of them:

  • Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverence, and a lot of other things you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
  • You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.
  • Love is like wetting your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth

That last one, about wetting your pants, was probably the crowd favourite.

We also handed out some advice and words of warning to those who would be speaking:

  • Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for black gold. If you don’t strike oil in 5 minutes, stop boring.
  • The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you’re born until the moment you stand up to make a speech.

There were also a few that we didn’t dare use, but one in particular sticks out in my mind and I want to include here, just for laughs:

I think all went well this morning in getting Dave ready for his big day. The condemned man ate a solid, hearty breakfast and arrived at the church sober and on time. My one disappointment would have to be failing to arrange his last request as a single man – due to strong protests from the do-gooders at the Sheep Welfare Council.

Along with that gem above, we threw out a lot of other material we found because we just didn’t think it was that funny. There was one other funny quote that we didn’t get to use, and that was because Dave hadn’t selected a best man – he just had two groomsmen. The unused quote was the following: “You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.”

I’m sure if you’re looking, you’ll find lots more material than what I’ve listed above. This should be a good start anyways. If you want to add suggestions in the comments below, I’m sure it’ll be appreciated by anyone who happens to stumble across this post in their search for jokes / material for their speech.

Update: I should have mentioned this post that I found during my ‘research’.

43 comments to Wedding MC (Emcee) Jokes

  • Anonymous

    At the end of your speach to the bride and groom you could ask her to hold out her hand, tell him to put his hand on hers, and say “thats the last time you’ll ever get the upper hand”

  • Amit

    Hello to both (Rob and Kevin)

    Just wanted to say thanks a lot for the jokes you provided in the message above. I have to mc my best friends wedding, she’s practically my sister, in 2 weeks, and I got some good initial funny announcements to make before I start my speech. But the jokes above are a really good filler between speeches, so just wanted to say thanks!

    All the best!

  • Amit – good luck with the MC gig, try to have fun with it. :)

  • Loved the jokes you included. In fact, I would like to add a few of them to my 2010 edition of The Wedding MC Jokebook. Are you aware of any copyright issues with any of them? Thanks

  • Hey Lee – no, I can’t say that I do know of any copyright issues with any of the jokes above. Just stuff I found on the internet, so you might want to do a bit more digging if you’re going to publish anything. :)

  • Jonesy

    Kevin I have been researching my upcoming MC gig at my sister’s wedding for a few weeks now and only just came across your site now. This is by far and away the best I have seen – I hope you don’t mind me using it as a base template for my speech.

    Thanks a ton!

  • Jonesy – glad it was helpful, like I said in the post, that was my motivation for putting the post up. Good luck!

  • sam

    I will be the M.C at an upcoming weding, both bride and groom play hockey/ringette any ideas? it is also close to xmas- any ideas to get the guests involved?

  • David

    Hi Guys, I just purchased the Wedding MC Joke Book and to be honest wasted my money on perhaps 3 jokes I’d actually use that were funny. Save your money and look for pages like this. The above is way better than the book and cost nothing

  • Great advice and information. I’ve been given the honor of best man and have to write up my own speech and its been a daunting task. Great info, thanks!

  • Just as a counter point to David’s opinion:

    I used the Wedding MC Jokebook this past weekend at a wedding and, despite being reluctant after downloading the book, found that I was a smash hit at the wedding. Of course customizing the jokes to my friends as suggested, and planning on when to tell each joke, the reception was a laugh fest. If you’ve got some confidence and faith, plus a little bit of pizaz, you and the Wedding MC Jokebook can be a huge success. It’s as simple as reading the book, picking the jokes that you think will work (and having a few extras), follow their tips and you’ll have the crowd laughing all night long.


    Tyler Peterson
    Edmonton AB Canada

  • Richard

    thank you for the great ideas,i m.c a wedding this Saturday,this will help me big time.good work

  • Pep

    Thank you. This worked really well for me!

  • Kathleen

    These jokes are actually better than anything I’ve found so far on google. It’s so hard searching for material when 7/10 websites, result in trying to sell you what you are looking for.

  • Ashleyu


  • GlengroveG

    This stuff is gold. I’m mc’ing at a wedding tomorrow, this is a great starting point! Thank you!

  • MScholz

    I also the Wedding MC Joke Book and I sincerely wish I could get my money back, there were few funny jokes and a lot of material I had heard at previous weddings, SO disappointing!

  • Megs

    Hey, great posting … I was asked to co mc my brother’s weding, I was thinking ohhhh crap other then roasting th two what the heck do i do …. thanks for the tips

  • Hey MScholtz. I am the author of The Wedding MC Jokebook. You can get your money back if you are not satisfied. We want you to be satisfied. Many, many purchasers of our book have used our material – a few reluctantly – and found the jokes to be very effective.

    Maybe you heard the material at other weddings because other MC’s purchased our book. We have been online with it since 2003!

  • Mike

    Many Kevin, I began to write my own stuff, but I’ve run out of time and this will be of much help to fill in any gaps!

    @ Lee:
    “I used the Wedding MC Jokebook this past weekend at a wedding and, despite being reluctant after downloading the book, found that…”

    You downloaded your own book? That’s interesting.

  • Like others have said, this post was pretty helpful compared to anything else out there. A lot of tips here were really useful when I emceed my sister’s wedding a few weeks ago. Just wanted to add one thing. As a last minute brainwave I decided to go around and ask for wedding advice from a bunch of the married family members on both sides. Then at one point between speeches I read through the list, naming the family member who provided the tip. They ranged from ‘teach her how to use the lawnmower early on in the marriage,’ to ‘respect each other’ and ‘be best friends.’ Some were funny, some were sentimental and I made sure to add personal details about the advice giver whenever I could, such as how long they’d been married, and how they were related etc. It was a huge help in terms of making the crowd feel involved in the process.
    One other thing that worked: I chatted with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen who were giving speeches and asked for a funny story or anecdote from them about their relationship with the bride or groom. This helped in doing the introductions and helping the audience get to know the speaker.
    Hope this helps. Thanks again for all the tips!

  • cindy

    this is great! i was just asked to MC my cousins wedding, and it is going to be a hard one (as her father is in pallitive care as we speak) everyone wants it to be funny/light side, and i think these are great!!!

    ps this is always the first wedding i have EVER done… this site helped me get things started!!! and great ideas from comments as well!!!

  • cindy

    oh and did i mention i only have 4 eeeks to get this together!!

  • kester mc dougall

    i like the jokes i am doing a mc job this month and will buy that book and add some pizazz to it and i will use some of these also its funny

  • I appreciate, cause I found just what I was looking for. You have ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye

  • Roger

    The Wedding MC Jokebook sucked. So lame don’t waste your money

  • Monique

    Thank you from me to you for the helpful free info. I was wondering if anyone had advice on how to get the crowd to mingle or unique ways to get the couple to kiss instead of singing a love song or tapping on glass? All suggestions welcome, thanks.

  • stephen

    excellent jokes
    so glad i stumbled upon this site!!! Humor is key

  • David

    I’m emcee’ing tonight and am just looking for a few speech fillers. There are definitely some golden nuggets on your page. Thanks for documenting them !

  • walter Sequeira

    Hi Iam emceeing a golden aniversary would mind to send me some tips and jokes for the occasion b4 the wed 12th some goo sober but funny ones on 50th anniversary thank u

  • @Mike. I wasn’t clear in my post. I was quoting a satisfied customer. His name is at bottom of comment.

  • You are a god send! Thanks so much for posting, MC-ing my brothers wedding in two weeks and loved all your input!

  • Chris

    Fuck you lee bells. I absolutely despise your fkn face. The first time I looked for advice to be a MC the only thing I could see was your face without any information unless you were willing to buy it. Guess what. We are people that want some jokes and pointers to make the night more special for 2 people. So maybe, just maybe you should push your fkn book that you stole all the ideas from up your ass and shut the ……. Up. Thank you for this site. I wish that more people would just post on this so that people would just have 1 place to go to and not have to go to a million different places to look for a joke that they wight use. Really lee. Get a job and cut your fkn hair. You irritate the shit out of me. This is my second time around and the only thing I’m glad for is that there has been some new sites helping and not every second site is your face popping up trying to sell me something. Please go back into you fathers or grandfathers basement and try selling lemonade or cookies or something. Please please please tell me you opinion on marriage or leave it as a help to all the first timers. Or else just shut up. This is the first time i see your face. And hopefully the last time.

  • amanda

    Hey everyone I need help my sister just asked me if I could Mc her wedding an it’s a week away I have never in my life done something like this. So if someone could give me a lay out that would be awesome you can email it to me to thank you..

    Amanda Heidebrink

  • Kathie Siberry

    HELP!!!! I just paid and downloaded your book and now I cannot open it!!!!!!! Help please!!!

  • Kathie, I assume you are talking about the book that Lee Bells is selling? If so, you might want to contact him, I have nothing to do with said book…

  • […] Give “well-chosen” advice…. (a special thanks to Kevin for […]

  • John

    Guys, like all the other comments on here, there is so much nonsense on the net on tips and tricks on how to WOW the crowd, but this is a genuine and warm approach to going about it. A lot of sites almost belittle the bride and make them seem somewhat fearful, but you’ve covered all angles which id imagine would energise the room with smiles. I have my second MC gig for a good friend and I wanted to do them proud without trying to steal the limelight! Thanks for sharing your experience with us! Johnny K from Downunder!

  • Brettb

    Lee Balls you’re a Moron. I’d suggest no one buys Lee Balls book. Just look for decent advice from guys like Kevin. Thanks Kevin, you’re a stand up guy who likes to share, from one mc to another!

  • […] type of “advice” is marriage advice. There’s advice for the groom about marriage or about a wife and there’s advice for the bride […]

  • […] Wedding MC (Emcee) Jokes | – Hello to both (Rob and Kevin) Just wanted to say thanks a lot for the jokes you provided in the message above. I have to mc my best friends wedding, she’s …… […]

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  • […] Wedding MC (Emcee) Jokes | – Like others have said, this post was pretty helpful compared to anything else out there. A lot of tips here were really useful when I emceed my sister’s wedding a … […]

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